Tips For Surviving the Holidays

I recently recently received an e-mail from a reader who asked for advice on surviving the holidays without drama when it came to dealing with family members where there is "tension".   I think it is important to address this question to empower others who also struggle with the same issues whether it be the holidays or any other family celebration.

Respect and Acceptance:  I think it is important to respect and accept the family members for who they are.  We cannot pick and choose our aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, in-laws, we can only respect that this is the position in the family that they hold and accept who they are.  This doesn't mean; however, that we allow them to treat us with disrespect or allow them to bring up issues of "contention" during family celebrations.  Stick to topics that are "safe" and try to steer conversation away from any of the more "heated issues".  It is impossible to change a person's behavior; however, by accepting this and the understanding that we cannot change them, but can only control our own behavior, we regain some semblance of integrity to deal with the event.

As far as gift giving, it is important to remember that it is not the gift that counts it is the thought behind it.  The economy is tough for all of us and the greatest gift we can give or receive is the gift of "time".  So, spend time with your family and enjoy those moments you have together.  Remember, none of us has a crystal ball and it is no guarantee we will have the same family members present for the next get-together.   A good friend of mine related her daughter's story of a re-gift from her mother-in-law which her daughter had unfortunately played with from the toy box in their home.  This was an excellent opportunity for her, as a mother, to reinforce with the daughter that the gift probably held sentimental value which she wanted to pass on to her granddaughter.  Apparently, her daughter was worried that her grandparents did not have enough money to live on because of this.  Again, this was a great opportunity to point out that the most important gifts we pass between us are the investment of time and love.  For those who are unable to show love or spend time with us, we can only hope that we set, by example, the very same in our own hearts.  Continue to pass on those invitations to attend band concerts, soccer games and preschool parties.  These are the events in life that are "the frosting on the cake", not just at the holidays, but all year long.

Let Go of Anger:  Before you enter someone's home let go of any perceived anger.  Walk in with an open heart.  Carrying resentment takes a lot of time and effort and, in the end, serves no purpose other than to cause undue stress.  While we cannot control the words or choices another family member chooses, we can choose our own.  I think this is important to remember, particularly when you are at the business end of someone's criticisms and critiques.  No one but you has walked in your shoes, it is unfair for another to pass judgement on where life's journey has taken you. 

Another good friend of mine related that repeated attempts to involve her husband's parents in activities she was very proud her children had achieved, they had repeatedly chosen not to attend.  Instead of taking this personally, I recommended that she share pictures of the events and continue to support her children's success.  Remember, we cannot change the behavior of others, we can only have control over our own.  

Limit or Eliminate the Alcohol.  This is especially true of there are children involved.  If there are family members who are unable to control their alcohol intake, then set aside time for visiting family before alcoholic celebrations begin.   Above all, make sure to take the car keys from any family member who has had too much to drink as a loss of life is not worth a few too many ounces of alcohol.

Keep Visits Short and Timed:  Arriving on a predestined arrival time and departure time will help all parties to know when to expect you and when you will need to depart.  The holidays are a busy time and arriving on a timed visit will eliminate any hurt feelings.

The Internet is full of stories and websites with horror stories of family celebrations gone bad.  Each and every one of us can probably recall a holiday we would rather just forget.  It's important to remember to value the time you spend with family.  The holidays, especially Christmas are not about the gifts, it's about remembering to love one another.

Inlaws/Outlaws get an unfair rap most of the time, as most are well-intentioned and good people; however, we must empower ourselves to deal with the few that are not so easy to get along with.  For example, a good friend of mine has a mother-in-law who refuses to attend a visit to her daughter-in-law's home without commenting negatively on her ability to raise her children.  Steer topics like this away by mentioning something kind about her appearance or ability to raise her own children.  If these tips are unsuccessful, tactfully state "I'm sure you have the well-being of the children in mind; however, let's take some time on another occasion to discuss this in more detail."  In this way, you defer the conversation which will hopefully never have event to arise again.

I hope this information is helpful for the next upcoming holiday and that it empowers, informs, and educations others who find themselves in situations that are uncomfortable.  It is important for each and every one of us to have an opportunity to read and inform ourselves with information that helps us grow as humans on our journey through life.